'Tis the Season...

Hello, I normally send an annual newsletter to friends with an original lit creation aperitif. Here's a couple from the past fave file.  See you in 2012!

AFTERGLOW

'Twas the day after Christmas

and all through the shack

not one thing was stirring,

except one old cheese snack.

Tupperware was stacked and sealed with a burp

to preserve a LARGE turkey that'd chirped

its last chirp.

The children were asleep and snug in their beds

surrounded by gift debris up to their heads.

I in my boxers and Ma in her sweats

were dazed in the living room, tallying debts.

Then what to my wondering eyes should appear

but an unlabeled gift and an imported beer!

We flipped for the ale, though it was quite warm

and guessed at the treasure just by its form.

A Blackberry!  An X-box!  Buns of Steel!    eew.

Obviously, a wife with too little to do.

Our brains were numb, 'alone time' grew short

so we shared the unveiling--like a good sport.

Underneath the satin, the foil and the glitter

was a gift so unique it made us both titter.

It didn't have bells or keypads or a whistle,

it couldn't fetch or fly like the down of a thistle.

In the box was a card, silver ink on dark blue,

that said in four words something so true.

Our family had shared so much, you recall,

the card said,

"THANKS FOR DOING BUSINESS.

Signed, The Mall."

                                  

THE BIG GAME

                  "Good afternoon, everybody and welcome to the 3rd Annual Einstein Brothers
Bagels Toilet Duck Our Own Hardware Levi's Dockers Blatz Beer Depends Undergarments
 Kentucky Fried Chicken Fruit Roll-ups Stanley Tools My Pretty Pony Obsession
Vlasic Pickles Sugar Bowl!
Brought to you by Einstein Brothers Bagels Toilet Duck Our Own Hardware Levi's Dockers
 Blatz Beer Depends Undergarments Kentucky Fried Chicken Fruit Roll-ups Stanley Tools
My Pretty Pony Obsession Vlasic Pickles!...AND 1999's summer blockbuster thriller,
"Hangnail"--Deep Impact, my foot!  Earth is toast, so this time it's personal!

TOM: Hello again.  We're here in Sound Stage Number One at Universal Studios,
where this promises to be an exciting matchup, Dick.

DICK: It sure does, Tom.

                  (Uncomfortable pause)

TOM: Who are these teams and what makes them tick, Dick??

DICK: uhhh, let me just look in the sports section...

TOM: While Dick earns mounds of money for his modicum of book-learning, let's have
a word from another sponsor.

'It's been said that Jerry Springer and Sally Jessy Raphael are sisters under the skin.

In February, we'll make it a fact. Watch us join Jerry & Sally at the hip--Live!  Double Trouble or a two-for-one bargain?  One way to find out!

  No guests, no commercials! No life? Join us for sweeps month!'

DICK: uh, hi, we're back.  Well, I'm back but Tom's holding out for more dough-ray-me. 
Which reminds me, I never get to take us to commercial.  So.  (Uncomfortable pause)
Let's go...to one!

'Her father went down hard.  Then they got her mother.  Now the man named Dark Starr is coming after her.  Chelsea Clinton stars in "Overkill!"  See it next summer...and the summer after that."

                 

DICK:...I didn't know that.

TOM: Sure, twenty percent means a personal manager is robbing you--(Earth-shaking double-take)
You! You are back, everybody!  SO...Speaking of amateur athletics,
and who doesn't?  Let's get to our game. Dick?

DICK: Tom?

TOM: Go for it.

DICK: oh.  Thanks, Tom.  Well, here's the kick and it comes down to--to, two minutes
for a commercial brake.

                                                                    THE END??